Correct, it doesn't work. I also did try running Adafruit's program to detect touch and that fails too.
While I was waiting for this, I went ahead and ordered 2 of these
https://shop.pimoroni.com/products/explorer-hat
And they work perfectly! So there's nothing wrong with my RasPi or the pins.
So it appears the capacitive touch hat is faulty or broken, right? Is there any other possibility?